My Setu Heart

This is my good friend Setu.
Though I haven't seen him in who knows how long, tonight I owe him.

As I was thinking, trying to figure out why I can't make friends like I used to, my mind started wandering. Somehow I ended up thinking about a girl I know and how she gushed about hugging Avi from Pentatonix and he laughed or said something and it vibrated through her. It reminded me of Setu.

Setu has one of the most wonderful voices on earth. He's a rumbly, heart-breaking bass whose falsettos rival mine. No, his falsettos totally bite mine in the butt.
His personality is much the same. He's this huge intimidating Polynesian who is really just a sweet tender teddy bear.

I love Setu with all my heart.

I thought about that. Truth be told, I know hardly anything about Setu. And yet I do absolutely adore him and wouldn't hesitate to tell that to anyone.
This is true about many of those I consider my good friends. Or it used to be true.
Really, though I would say that it's true, I haven't thought about many people that way in a while, with love gushing out and me just being thrilled to know and be around them.
I realized: I've forgotten how to love people.

Somehow in the past couple years I've gotten tentative and critical -- of others, but even more so myself. And so, I've forgotten how to love. I've forgotten that it doesn't matter if I know them well and we have deep conversations or if they have faults or if they see my faults or if we don't perfectly match as kindred spirits. It doesn't matter. I can still find the tiniest things to absolutely adore about a person and add them all up until I grow a new heart just for them and I love them with all of it.

Once upon a time I had someone tell me that because I loved so many people, I couldn't love any of them very much because everyone has a limited amount of love to spread around. This frustrated me to no end. That's exactly the opposite of how love works! Christ, the ultimate example of love, loves more people than any of us will ever know, and He loves every one of us more than we can fathom. I believe we can love like Him, to a degree.

That's why I need to start growing hearts again. Lately I've been trying to cut up my heart so that I can give pieces to everyone I want to love. I can't love anyone enough that way. I need to take everything about them and grow a new heart of mine just for each person I want to love.

Then, it doesn't matter whether they or I have faults or whether we're perfectly lined up to be friends. I'll just love them with all my heart, and everything else will work out.

Material Girl

Last weekend my dear, darling mother-in-law took me shopping. This is dangerous. My mother-in-law loves to buy, buy, buy, and I don't know how to say no, no, no.

Luckily I realize this, which means she hadn't taken me shopping in about a year and a half. But it was time.

I came to the conclusion that John's mom has bought me more clothing in the past 3 years than my own mother has in my entire life. This shouldn't be surprising since my mom knew how to say no for me, and most of my clothes growing up were second-hand (I am the youngest of ten belonging to an elementary school teacher, after all). 

I don't want to get you the wrong idea. I love Carol and I love shopping with her. I had a blast spending time with a woman I adore. And let's face it, I'm not perfect; I thoroughly enjoy being spoiled rotten to the core.

Okay, hopefully I'm not rotten to the core.

But I am definitely spoiled.

Two hours in the dressing room and I am exactly

6 cardigans, 7 dresses, 10 shirts, 4 pairs of jeans (one coral colored), and 3 pairs of shoes more spoiled.
That's just attire.
And that's with me saying "I don't think so" a lot.

Oh, and see the heels on the right?
These:

That's right. I own sparkly heels.
This makes me muy happy.
I would never have bought them for myself. I just don't need them, so I simply wouldn't buy them. Carol, however, has no such inhibitions. I tried them on just to try them on, and she insisted I get them.
Isn't she cute?


I gave John a fashion show the next day:

This would make my Sarah Lynn proud (even if there is a lack of scarves)


I bought while with Carol something that John and I have been searching for: a comforter.
We painted our bedroom purple and cream and have been trying to find the right bed spread to go with it. We've found plenty of purple comforters, even in King size, and for a good price. But there's always been something wrong with them. Too "90's," too silver, too tan...so we had finally decided we might need to settle. But then the magically perfect one showed up.

Isn't it purdy?
We've been loving it.

I love our bed. I convinced John that we needed a King size. He thinks it makes us too far apart and he'd be perfectly happy with a double. Ugh. I'm glad I convinced him. Though our bed is somewhat...enormous. We got my brother's old bed frame when they switched, so it's free even if it's not what we would have picked out. But now we have our comforter and our purple sheets (several sets) and as soon as we get the all right pillows it will be perfect.

Almost there.



There is a vague point to all my ramblings here -- surprisingly enough.
As I skipped giddily around my house this week I realized how happy having nice things makes me. This is weird because I don't consider myself very material...and yet clearly I am. So I thought about it more.

Yes, I am a material person. I value material things.
Material things give me happiness, even lasting (time-wise) happiness.
My huge house continues to make me happy. My painted walls continue to make me happy. My gadget-stocked kitchen continues to make me happy. My collection of books continues to make me happy. Some of my random purchases from the dollar store continue to make me happy.

However, my happiness does not hinge on material things. I am quite happy without all these things, and was before I had them. All of these things are just added bonuses on an already wonderful life. That's how I see them. And that's why I think my life is amazing.

I have everything I could need: a wonderful husband, loving and lovable family and friends, my basic needs taken care of
I also have everything I could want: A loving and successful marriage, a home of our own, time to spend with those I care for, financial security, health, the ability to learn and grow,
Then I get all these extras: A house we could never outgrow, an overflowing wardrobe (with a closet that makes it seem small), a gorgeous kitchen, the money to buy most whimsical desires, a cute puppy to keep me company

People who know me know I am a very happy person. I always have been. But I'm pretty sure everyone else would be too if they had my life. My life simply rocks.
Yet, that's not really what makes me happy.
Choosing to be happy makes me happy.
And I choose to love the small things.

Banning Baby Bandwagon

I'm pretty sure at least 15 people I know have announced in the past week that they(/their significant other) are pregnant, or have announced what the gender of their coming baby is, or have actually had the baby. Add another week or two before that and the numbers increase. I'm pretty sure at least a 1/3 of my facebook friends(/their significant others) are either pregnant or just had a baby.

I can't post this on facebook because then my family will jump on it and assume I am pregnant and I'm not in the mood to combat all that. (And yes, that means I am not pregnant)

The point is, why on earth did everyone have to make it a bandwagon? I hate bandwagons.
Okay, not really, I just hate it when something I want to do becomes a bandwagon. Because I hate jumping on bandwagons. It takes all the fun out of it. Not that I have to be original -- I just don't want to be just like everyone else.

Except really...having a baby is no fad. I know I'm being silly. Anyone who falls into the category determined in the first paragraph would tell me that the third paragraph has nothing to do with them. And it doesn't, really. No one intended to all get together and have babies this year. (At least I hope not.)

But if John and I decide to never have children, I'm still blaming it on the sudden abnormal increase of baby-ness in my acquaintances lately.

Dirty Toes

I apologize if the following picture makes you puke. 

It just makes me happy. 

To me, this is the epitome of childhood.

Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. 

Shoes are an encumbrance to the joys of running and playing. 

They were the first things rid of when I came home.

What is structure and protection when you can feel the cool of freshly watered grass

or the squish of mud

or the softness of new carpet?

Then again, children don't think about all that.

Perhaps I should stop romanticizing and just admit it.

I love my taking pictures of my niece Ella, and I think everything about her is cute.

And there is just something about those dang toes.

And her fingers...

Oh wait, maybe I'm just thrilled to see what I would have looked like as a baby, with "tiny little snakes reaching out of the blanket" (real quote from my sister-in-law about the first time she saw me)

Pictures

I love taking pictures. I always have. I once thought about being a photographer, but then I couldn't fit the class into my schedule so I forgot about it, then I looked at real photographers' pictures and I realized I had absolutely no talent.

Then I married John.


This is Angelo:

He's John's step-dad. He is brilliant.

He may not be the best photographer, and he certainly doesn't get paid for it (though that's more personal choice than anything else), but he knows cameras and he knows sights. He's funny because he takes pictures most people won't think of, and some people don't like. He's a candid, behind-the scenes kind of guy:

This is actually one of my favorites from the wedding

He's given a camera to pretty much everyone in the family.
Let me rephrase that.
He has willingly permanently loaned all of his personal favorite cameras to everyone who has asked him for a camera to borrow for just a short while.
(we'll ignore the fact that he likely does this just so he can buy the newest best thing)


I, as it turns out, am no exception.
First, I sent out weekly family letters. Eventually pictures got mixed in. Eventually Angelo told me about some that he adored:

The food he liked because he loves taking pictures of food and Carol doesn't get it. I take waaay too many pictures of our meals. I tried stopping unless I had a real reason to want a picture. I've gotten better. Usually.

But Alma with his Jenga house? Sure it's a nice enough picture but there's nothing special about it. But both Angelo and my own hubby told me it was a great picture and that they love it. Hm.

Angelo told me I have a great eye. Well, ever since John got me a camera to document our life with I've worked on getting shots I like better, but I didn't know what a good eye meant. I still don't.

I was working for Angelo, selling camera stuff on eBay, and my family had our Reunion, so I borrowed the "work camera" for the week. He told me I could/should whenever I wanted to, but it's his expensive piece of equipment so I didn't want to cart it around all the time...but the family reunion was worth it.

And I came up with this:

These are pictures I can't get enough of. Especially the one with Ella and Michael on the frogs at the pool. That may be my favorite picture that I've ever taken. This last one with Ella on the lawn, too.

After the reunion I prepared to give Angelo back his prized possession. Except by then he'd bought a new and better prized possession and decided that I should keep this camera as long as I took lots of family photos.
I have taken lots of family photos.

However, I want to share more of my favorite pictures as my favorite pictures. I snap shots primarily to document my life, so I share shots to show that documentation. On occasion I'll share an obviously blurry picture because I love the moment it captured, even if my capturing of it wasn't excellent. So on occasion I'd like to share pictures because of the capturing as well as the moment.

Now, I have to warn you that I adore my nieces and nephews. So on occasion my obsession with them might cloud my view of what I really like about the photograph. Also, I may like something others may not see. But that's why this is my blog and I get to do what I want. :)

Junioritis

I was sick for a week (still getting over it) so I stopped caring about school.
Oh, except that I stopped caring about school about a month in. Ugh.

I was supposed to be all excited for school. I tried.
Fail.

Now I just hope that my grades sing a different tune.
Hope hope hope hope hooooooooope.

Okay, so I'm really not that scared about my grades. Perhaps that is just my lack of caring...but I'm pretty sure I'm okay. Blah.

School is silly. I feel like I'm learning a ton but I'm too worried about my grades to keep learning so I I just get apathetic until I remember the consequences of failure so I stress and still totally forget about learning anything... The school system should get an F, not me.
A whole GPA worth of Fs.

But there's always the pressure that I am worth nothing if I don't graduate.
Lalala everything is gonna be alright. Oh yeah.

Breather for Thoughts

So...school has completely overwhelmed me. I don't even know where to start to explain that. So I won't.

However, school has also given me tons of things to think about. At least an average of once a day I come up with some completely brilliant idea that I really want to share with the world through this, my creative outlet/aka blog. But whenever I'm near the computer and remember these things, I have to think about all the homework I'm behind on, or soon to be behind on. So I can't blog. Instead, I procrastinate.

How does that make sense? It shouldn't, but it does to me. Because blogging takes at least a half hour, usually more like 3 or 4 hours, though occasionally 2 or 3 minutes. Surfing the net, video games, and other simple, non-committal time wasters take "10 or 15 minutes" and are therefore justifiable temporary stress releases. Hahaha...so we won't talk about how those "10 or 15 minutes" are the real reason I'm overwhelmed with school.

Anyhow, I just wanted to get on here and mention a few thoughts that have come lately. Hopefully someday I can find the time, energy, and lack of complete laziness to elaborate. But for now I want to at least get my thoughts out.

1) I love love love my husband. I never tell anyone that enough. I think he's the most wonderful man on the planet and I feel overwhelmingly blessed to have married him. He's given me everything a girl could want and we have a relationship that is better than even I imagined marriage would be.

2) Despite my many shortcomings, I love being me. I am of great worth and I do have a lot to offer this world and especially those around me. I may not be talented or committed or driven the same way others are, but I am very valuable. The way I wish to live my life is not something to be looked down on.

3) I am a dang good friend. I may not have always thought that, and I definitely didn't think that others agreed with that, but I'm realizing that it is true. I know I can be awkward to meet sometimes and I'm not smooth at starting friendships, but once you mean something to me you're part of my life forever, and I'm not going to let that slide. I make the effort to spend time with people, or at the very least keep up with their lives. Not everyone can keep track of everyone, but I manage it, and that's something to be happy about.

4) I have a fairy tale life. Get married, go off and do awesome things, still have a social life, hubs gets a great and very secure job, buy an enormous house, become a cute housewife, be prepared (enough) for children when the time comes...I am ridiculously blessed.

5) I'm still a talented writer and a critical thinker. Don't judge my blog too harshly; this is me being very casual. I'm intelligent and I'm good at expressing my many opinions in the right context. I love feeling accomplished when I've written a good paper or when I'm learning a lot in a class.

6) I love my religion. It simply cannot not be true. I love how complex and yet incredibly simple it is, all at once. I love how much I can learn and understand and grow in the gospel; yet the most growth comes from the simple things I've been taught to do since I was old enough to talk.

7) This won't make any sense, but:
I love how I handle stress. I simply don't. Stress doesn't allow me to work; it forces me to crumble and be incapable of handling anything related to the cause of stress. So I don't stress. I find ways around stressing. I start to stress and I have to force myself to take a breather. There's no way stress is the answer, so I don't allow myself to deal with it. The things that I love never cause me real stress. Not only that, but when I do stress and then take a breather so I can function, life is so much more beautiful. I can thoroughly revel in the things that bring me joy.

Um...that's it for now. :)

I love this.

I started school last week. I was apprehensive, worried, nervous, scared, and bracing myself for drudgery.
I was also dead excited to have a life.

I could bore you with the details, but right now I want to focus on the things that are making emotions pulse through me.

I love that the classes at SLCC are small and personable.
I love half of my teachers, and I like the other half.
I love that I can raise my hand and participate.
I love that I feel like for once in my school career I will be actually learning something.
I love that most of me is committed to my classes instead of the normal "whatevs" approach.
I love that I am honestly excited about every single subject.
I love that I feel motivated.
I love that I actually understand the organization of each of my classes.
I love that I am here because I want to be, and no other reason.
I love that the government is paying me to go to school.
I love that I can get up every day.
I love that I come home and still have energy even though I'm physically exhausted and hungry.
I love that my Sarah Lynn will be in my Institute class. We haven't had a real class to be together in for years.
I love that I saw my wonderful good friend Stephen today.
I love that I got to share with Stephen in Institute, and that talking about religion didn't leave us both frustrated.
I love that I know people.
I love that I feel confident enough that my outgoing side is bursting out.
I love my Religious Diversities class. I don't know how it could be more perfect.
I love that I know I will stay on top of assignments.
I love that I'm actually excited to do my assignments.
I love that I already have a topic for all of my English papers.
I love that I get to write about something I'm passionate about, while learning more about it.
I love that I'm busy out of my mind.
I love that I'm burning a million calories and working out my leg muscles like crazy in Zumba.
I love that I'm excited to read my textbooks...perhaps cover to cover.
I love love love that I became friends with Aura Kenney today.
I love that Aura and I talked for at least an hour and a half straight and it was thoroughly enjoyable, and slightly addicting.
I love a million other things.
I love that each of the above were things I thought about, and got happy because of, before I wrote this.

Life freaking rocks.

I AM a Utah Resident, Thank You!

Once upon a time there was a girl.

She was a basic, boring, run-of-the-mill, white-trash, Utah Molly Mormon.

[Okay, so maybe she just lived in white-trash West Valley]

She grew up in Utah her entire life. Her parents had both grown up in Utah, as had her parents' parents, and so forth. She had never left the state for more than a day until she was 12. She had never even left the country at all until she was 19. 

Then one day she decided to stop being uninteresting, and went to live in Mexico for four months.

Except it really wasn't that interesting. She just got married and her husband toted her around while he did cool things like a study abroad in a foreign Ivy League-equivalent University. 

Then life settled down a bit and she decided that she should go back to school now that she wasn't moving every couple months. 

When applying to go to a cute little college called SLCC, she was asked if she had lived anywhere other than Utah anytime in the last 12 months. Well, she considered herself living elsewhere, but that is entirely subjective and they certainly didn't give her enough information to tell her which was technically right. But, thinking that either way it shouldn't be a problem because she was, of course, a Utah Resident, she decided to give the benefit of the doubt and click "yes."

"Thanks for submitting all the information about you in the world. We've decided that you are humble enough to get into our prestigious poor starter college. Congratulations! Oh, and by the way, you're not a Utah Resident so you have to pay 1,000,000 times what everyone else pays."

Bah Humbug. 

If she's not a Utah Resident, then pray tell, what is she a Resident of????

The state of Utah considers her a Resident, as they had no problem updating her Drivers' License. Why does the school not consider her a Resident?

Because of one simple drop down menu that could be considered a mistake, but was certainly taken simply on the girl's word. 

So, what does she have to do? She has to spend way too much time trying to figure out how to fix it, and then even more time actually trying to fix it. Then, when she gets all her papers in and everything to prove that she is, indeed, a Utah Resident, what do they ask for?

Proof that she was gone at all.

Excuse me??!?? If you can't prove that I'm gone, WHY DO I HAVE TO PROVE THAT IT DOESN'T COUNT!?!

The best part? 

There ISN'T any proof that she was gone.

The ONLY proof that she was in Mexico for any amount of time, let alone for four months, is either total personal correspondence (which could all be complete bull for all they care), or a tourist visa.

A TOURIST visa, people! A tourist visa proves that she was a TOURIST, not a RESIDENT!!!

Also, because of complications with idiotic, stupid, ridiculous, conniving, thieving, corrupted Mexicans (not that all Mexicans are that, but the ones encountered for this purpose definitely were), the tourist visa wasn't even legitimate or legal. 

AND if we had driven back into the US instead of flown, neither the Mexican nor the US government would have any idea or record that she was ever in Mexico at all. Possibly they still don't. That last guy was probably all of those adjectives as well.

Oh, and another great part:

What if she lived in a different state, instead of a different country?

There literally would be absolutely NO hard proof that she was gone. Ever.

Grumble.

Luckily, she is now considered a Utah Resident by all parties.

Thank you. 

To Love

This week, from last Saturday to yesterday, was my family's reunion. We decided to do it "relaxed" this year and do a whole week of stuff but stay at home and such. Haha...it was packed and exhausting! BUT it was so. much. fun.

I LOVE love love love love my family! I am very grateful that I had mostly positive experiences this week, and so many of them, and I was able to remember that I do love them. I never stop loving them, but sometimes I stop having Christlike love for them.

Sometimes I get caught up in the annoying habits and personality traits my siblings and my parents and even my nieces and nephews have. We may be a bit stubborn and strongly opinionated. We may be a bit weird and socially awkward. We may make stupid and pointless comments. We may be impatient with the kids and each other. We may have different ideas of what's important in raising children. We may overlook what's currently pertinent. We may all get so caught up in making sure everything's planned smoothly that nothing gets planned at all smoothly.
But that's okay.

I realized last night that I used to be more loving and accepting to everyone, but somewhere or sometime that ability started getting used significantly less. I started getting cynical instead. I became impatient with people. Those two traits are some I dislike most in other people. So, I decided that I can and will be more loving toward my family, despite how much they may subtly bother me. Or, rather, instead of letting myself get subtly bothered.

Since I started that train of thought last night, I have realized how much happier practicing love instead of annoyance used to make me. Life is beautiful when you don't harbor negative feelings toward others. Those negative feelings don't have to be big, even. I haven't stopped believing that there is no one I hate. I always still loved my family. But so often it is the small things that make the biggest difference, especially as they build up.

So, I will begin again to look for the good in people. I will love them because they are humans with weaknesses, as I am. I will give help and encouragement. I will accept others, regardless of our differences. I will try to be humble so that I can learn from those who can teach me.

I Should Be Packing...

We are going camping tomorrow until Sunday. To quote my facebook:
"Camping alllllll weekend! Hello Torrey Pines, dirt, kiddies, worries over food, a soon-to-be frustrated sister-in-law, lots of pictures, and some good times. Goodbye my normal world of glowing rectangles. Except the handful we will bring with us..."

Sleeepy...
I just took out the garbage. It's strange to have it full of garbage instead of weeds. The recycling is also full. I said I just took out, but actually Johnny and I fought over it. We compromised with me taking out one and him taking out the other. We didn't fight over the work, but the service. If that makes sense.

Johnny has been super good to me...always, but especially lately. Today he came home from work and insisted that I needed a relaxing evening. Baby, I may have had the supposed two-year-old terror that is Carson (who was practically an angel) for two days, but really I've just been watching Heroes all day. Okay, so I did that while finally getting down the insurmountable mound of dishes, doing the laundry, and dancing around Carsy, but still. I'm a lazy bum, or I feel like it. I don't need no relaxation. But the thought was nice.

Regardless of his desire, we both ended up..where? Staring at our glowing rectangles. I may have made a necessary and wonderful choice to marry a techie, but it means the computer is an addiction that both of us crave, even when we've had too much. :)
He just wanted to finish a couple things from work, and since he was on it I had to get on it. :) So my excuse is lame. John's isn't, actually. He never does work from home, except the one time he was supposed to. I don't blame him this time. He took the holiday on Monday and he's taking a vacation day tomorrow so that we can go camping. So he's only had three days of work and his project is due soon and they're nowhere near done.
I'm glad hubs loves his job. Everyone needs to, but so few do.

Haha, so while he was doing that I went searching for something to do. I've never been good at web surfing. I usually just go to my 4 regular sites about a million times, waiting for something interesting to happen. Facebook is really not that entertaining, but I'm addicted, regardless. My calendar is not going to suddenly get packed with super amazing things to do no matter how long I stare at it. I wait around for a juicy good letter in my inbox, but when they come I'm too lazy to read them. Netflix will always have something to entertain me, which is horrible because then I become a zombie.

So that leaves Blogger. There's usually a new post from someone every day, but that takes about 2 minutes to read and I'm done. I could catch up on all the posts I've been meaning to finish...but that sounds like work.
This.is.my.life.

Anyhow, today I was mindlessly clicking and found myself on my favorite blogger's site. I don't know her, but she's hilarious. I purposely do not follow people I don't know because then I really could be sucked away forever reading about things that have nothing to do with me. But she followed me first, and then I got sucked in.
Anyhow (again), I was wondering how she started her blog, so I went to the beginning...and kept going. And 2 1/2 hours went by before John was finally done with what he wanted to do so I stopped.
I am now nostalgic. And a little disoriented. She's still in High School and I realized that she was 15 when she started the blog, which started me thinking of when I was 15 which was six years ago. (How did I get so old so fast?) And I started thinking of things I was saying and doing back then. Holly and I were best friends, boy crazy, bored out of our minds, counting down the days to our birthdays, writing notes constantly...
those were the days.
Seriously, High School is SO fun. You get to see friends every day, you're always doing stuff, summer doesn't feel like a waste of time when you don't do anything, you don't have to worry about anything but yourself. All except that annoying thing that is school.
Now I'm all grown up and married. We own a house. I have housework to do and I'm not getting paid for it or fighting/avoiding my mom about it. There's no such thing as summer break, which means when I'm a lazy bum my life is a lazy bum. We live "out in the boonies" so I can't go do stuff with friends. Even if I lived closer to friends, all our schedules don't mesh so spontaneity is a thing of the past.
What I would give to be spontaneous.

Blahhhhhh...I need sleep. I don't want to.

Puppy is with Grandma for the weekend. It is seriously weird not having my shadow. I'm sure she misses me more. Silly dog.

I put up stuff on the walls today. It made my house a home, even with the half painted walls. I'm happy :)
My laundry room is now crowded and I know John hates that so I was worried. But he likes it, and said that's what laundry/mud rooms are for. To be filled with all the junk you need that isn't for show. So yay :) I now have my big cork board, our big white board, a clock (it's green to match the someday-to-be green walls), a mail basket, a calendar, and my note roll/corkboard/key hook thingie, not to mention three doors, one of which is covered in magnets, all in the 6x6ft mudroom side of the laundry room. I'm in love. I need my crowded spaces in this spacious home. There's too much emptiness here.

I have the Harry Potter theme song stuck in my head.

We're still not packed.

Funny how that happens. Me not packing gets us still not packed. Unless John's been working on it...that's nice.

I have the best Johnny in the world!!
Even if he didn't do any packing.

Brin's Books

I like stealing things. My friend blogged a post about the first book she read this summer. I think she's going to put more, but maybe not. I don't know what her plans are. But either way, it gave me an idea.

Lately, and also throughout the years, I've wished I had a list of what books I've read, and how many times each. Unfortunately the library does not keep a record of what you've checked out once it's been returned and fines paid for. I've read way too many books to know by memory, plus my memory is less than stellar.

But why not start now?
Also, I've been very happy lately and being happy makes me extra talkative, and I like my blog because I can talk to it and it doesn't matter if people have to listen to me ramble.

And I just decided I will make a new blog just for my books.

Brin's Books

Enjoy! Or ignore, whichever you prefer.

Attraction

Just a quick girly post Just because I can

John took me to see the newest X-Men movie for my birthday. Hugh Jackman made his 30-second sexy appearance, and John squeezed my hand. That man is the only celebrity that consistently makes me need to wipe my chin. X-Men definitely doesn't help that at all. 

Hey, he's delicious!

John said he's glad I like Hugh Jackman. It makes me a normal human being.

He might have said something like 

it makes John better because if I'm so attractive to that sexy beast that makes John more of a sexy beast....

or maybe that comment was just in my head?

In any case, it's still normal to be attracted to other people when married, right?

For me, I'm usually not attracted to guys' appearances until I get to know them. 

I know every girl says that, 

but I'm telling the truth, I swear. 

I wasn't even physically attracted to John until AFTER I decided to like him.

In any case, after my first decision to like John 

and before our first date, I got really attracted to this one guy. 

The fact that he wouldn't stop staring at me probably didn't hurt that. 

Actually, it's the only reason I even noticed him at all.

But then I did notice him. Oh boy did I notice him. 

We talked, we flirted, I facebook stalked...

He was almost 10 years older than me.

But he was ridiculously attractive.

The problem?

I keep seeing his picture, and get a little dizzy. 

Perhaps it's because I made a conscious decision to stop that road cold-turkey because 

John is perfect for me, 

and my head still likes to lazily wonder where it could have gone.

Perhaps it's because I loved to flirt with him. 

Hey, he was like a male version of me in that way and it was addicting.

Perhaps it's because he's the only guy I've ever come across who I actually considered as "my type."

And perhaps it's just because he's ridiculously attractive.

In any case, it's a little annoying to have my heart race every time I scroll down facebook and his face flies by.

Just sayin'

Day 21 - Overreacting

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

I've experienced pain in my life. I wouldn't say a lot, because let's be honest, I've had a freaking amazing life. And I'm not just saying that because there are people in Africa who really know pain, or anything like that. I really haven't had a bad life.
But, I have experienced pain. I've experienced searing, unbearable pain, too.
But I don't wish I could forget it.

I love trials.
I probably shouldn't say that too loudly, because as much as I love them, I am quite happy -- literally -- without them, so I don't necessarily want more.
But I feel like I've grasped the concept of why we're here. Life is all about learning, and we cannot learn without adversity.
So, to keep it short, I cherish my trials. (usually after they're over)

So, if I don't want to forget my trials, what do I want to forget?
Not much.

But there are a few things I think can qualify.

I don't consider them trials.
I consider them stupidity.

stupidity as a lifelong thing to overcome is a trial. momentary stupidity is just plain stupidity.

You have those moments you look back on, and you say, "What the heck was I thinking?"

And then you realize, oh yeah.

You weren't.

I have lots of those. Not as many as I'd expect. And I don't know if I really regret them. But some are fresh enough and painful enough that right now, yeah, I wish I could forget about it...at least until I can laugh about it. :)

The one that has been glaring at me lately is still fresh at 2 years old. 

Remember the "bulwark" guy? 

Well, he left on a mission. I went to his farewell.

Remember that girlfriend? Remember I'm fairly certain she despises my existence?

Well, she was there. No surprise. I wouldn't have minded, wouldn't have cared if she'd

stop

those

looks

I mean, seriously, what did I do to her? She is the one who stole him from me, and the only problem I have with her is that she hates me. Not even that, it's that she takes her hatred OUT on me. Leave me out of your own dang problems, lady!

           apologies for the high-school drama. it's a high school memory.

Ugh. Anyway, so I was a little unnerved at the party after. It was a super awkward day for me, I was flustered, I was dating John and needed him there but he hadn't understood that enough to be there, she was freezing the air, he was completely ignoring me, his family was ignoring the fact that we dated -- just the way they preferred it. I really wanted just to leave, but I couldn't do that. He was still my best friend despite his best efforts, and I wasn't going to see him again for 2 years...or ever. 

Needless to say, I wasn't at my best. 

The friends there played a game. I think it was Phase 10. Wouldn't you know, it came down to her and me. 

Where does life get these ideas?

What does he do? He helps her.

She wins.

Should I have reacted? Of course not.

...

Did I?

courtesy

You have to understand, I almost never lose my temper. Especially in public. 

Sure, I was in a high-stress atmosphere and she

                                                  pissed me off.

But, c'mon. 

The worst part? Why I wish I could forget it?

Everyone knew he and I had dated. Not everyone knew how much she hated me, and how much I hated the fact that she hated me and the way she hated me. So it probably just looked like a jealous ex-girlfriend overreacting. It had nothing to do with that. 

The very worst part? I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knew why I overreacted.

I hate that.

Day 17 - Beautifully, Better

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.


I don't know if I'd call it huge. At least not on my life. But it made an impact on my feelings the other day.
And, ya know, sometimes it's those little things that really do make the biggest difference.

I was here

I was feeling lonely, a little bored, and rather adventurous. So I went for a drive. One thing I love about where we live is that I'm 5 minutes from Wal-mart, but the main road to our neighborhood is a Highway. But even more than that. The main road to my parent's house was Bangerter, but when I drove on that I didn't feel like I was out for a drive, I felt like I was going somewhere. Nowhere awesome, just somewhere to be.

On Cedar Fort Road, or just Hwy 73, it was beautiful.

Beautiful to have miles of road, and no one around.

Beautiful to feel the wind whipping through open windows.

Beautiful to hear nothing but silence.

Beautiful to taste the playful evening warmth.

Beautiful to smell an inviting summer. 

Beautiful to see the gorgeous meadows, hills, and skies. 

Beautiful.

And no, that isn't a poem. Mine or otherwise.

In any case, all that beauty made me feel better. 

I may or may not have shed a few dozen tears while in Walmart just before.

Silly me. 

Silly walmart, nowhere to hide.

But, again, in any case, I love life.

Utah is gorgeous, my life is gorgeous.

And I want to be a better friend.

                            a better aunt

                             a better sister

                              a better daughter

                               a better wife.

And that takes practice, and a lot of selflessness.

I'm not so good at the whole selflessness thing. It makes me nervous. How am I supposed to react when people praise me? 

Haha...I'm clearly not so good at humility either. 

Well, wait and see if I blow you all away

by the time I'm 80.

;)

Day 7 - Rewind and Dream

Weekends are horrible for me to get normal tasks done. I completely forget about anything else other than play, pretty much. So I missed the entire weekend...make up time! =D This probably will not be the first time I miss the weekend...but I'll do my best!


Friday, March 25
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.


Well that's just silly. I already had it :)
No, really, I did. 

Like 85% of girls, I dreamed about my wedding for as long as I can remember. I wasn't so extreme that I had every detail picked out; I did want room to budge where he wanted and to fit my personality when it did come. But I always had ideas, even if they changed all the time. 

However, before John and I had talked much about getting married, I had picked out our centerpieces, my bridesmaids' outfits, my flowers and therefore my colors...and those things stayed because it was close enough to the time that it made sense. 

I planned and planned and did as much by myself as I could. My Mom was out of town, but if I'm honest that was more of a relief than a burden because I wanted to do everything myself and having my Mom there probably would have just stressed me out. She would stress, and I can't stand people around me stressing because it rubs off on me. I am perfectly fine by myself most of the time, but once people start breathing down my neck I want to strangle theirs. 

Some people thought it was amazing that I planned my wedding almost entirely by myself. But really, basically the one thing I do regret about my wedding is that I couldn't be the wedding planner at the same time as being the Bride. The Bride may have the last say in the wedding plans, but in real time, the wedding planner does. Whether that's a professional, your Mom, or your Maid of Honor...the wedding planner has the last say. 

Unfortunately for me, I did so well at being the wedding planner by myself that no one knew everything I had in my head well enough to execute it...so they made do with what they had. That part of the planning I realized was essential, but I never got around to explaining all the details, and even if I did no one else would have read them in the moment.

So my wedding was great and had all the aspects that I wanted...but they were done just slightly wrong. That's no one's fault but my own, I realize...but that kind of makes it worse. That means that all my regret refuses to go away even though it's trivial. I could have had my dream wedding...but stupid lack of explaining the details prevented it being just right. So I felt like the whole thing was wrong.

But then I rewind. How did I feel that day? I was absolutely certain that I had the best wedding ever. The important things went without a glitch. We were married, and in the right place. Everyone was happy for us and we had all the support and love from friends and family we could ask for. We felt like we were in heaven. We were happy and in love and blissful. And married.

That's what really counts.

Productivity?

Today I was supposed to clean the house. We've been in limbo since we got back from Mexico and it's been driving me crazy. We can't find anything because I can't organize anything because I'm not willing to take anything out of boxes because we're moving really soon. We're also almost never home because we're busy doing this and that and whatever else.
So I was supposed to clean today. But instead I spent the whole day on the computer, applying for jobs.
Technically that was more productive...
I need a job so we can qualify for more on a better loan so we can get the dream houses we just made offers on. (!!!) And to do that I need 30 days of work on a pay stub and since these offers will go through in mid February (if everything goes super fast and well...which never happens in the housing game, but what if)....I need a job by the end of this week.
So today I applied for jobs. Instead of cleaning the house.
Looking around...I'm not 100% positive I picked the right thing. :P

Help but Hinder or Allow Learning and Risk Problems?

A brother and his girlfriend had a baby. He's almost 6 months old now and he's the cutest little stud the family could ask for. He's happy as can be and real funny. But he's a little behind in his development, mostly due to his parents being less than the most responsible parents around. Just having a baby out of wedlock most definitely does not make you a horrible parent, though it certainly rarely helps matters. But being involved in too many drugs too often and being a less than responsible person all around does certainly hinder parental abilities. The poor kid is daily, even hourly, transferred from one caretaker to another, constantly fought over who's not going to take him, and too many times used to manipulate. He is most often left in his carseat, ignored when crying, sitting in a way--too-old diaper, and in a house without enough food for him. Though his parents do care for him, are mostly kind to him, and did want to keep him, they are simply not prepared to be parents. What do you do for a child like that?

MIL says John and I are the perfect candidates to take him. Young married couple just about to start their reliable, sturdy life. Ummmm....sorry Ma. I'm not taking those birth control pills because they taste yummy. We have every intention and have earned every right to decide on our own when we start our family. Even then, if that were the only thing, of course I'd take in a nephew so in need of help. But do you really think his uncle and aunt are going to be the best place for him? That's just begging his parents to intrude on our space and therefore his, and probably cause unknown amounts of mental issues for him -- and probably for us. There's a reason foster care leading to adoption works. Yeah, it's sad for us because then we lose the kid for the next 18 years. But with the right family he'd have SUCH a better life than somewhere his parents can easily track down and try to take him over. We aren't taking responsibility for a child we can't protect. 

He spends a lot of time being babysat at Auntie's house, but she's going crazy with all the drama the parents cause. 

Daddy was doing so great 2 months ago. Stopped drinking, thought about stopping the cigarettes, stopped all other drugs and made an attempt to move forward the fantastic business Grandpa set up for him. A few ugly threats from Momma and that went down the drain :(

Grandpa thought to help force Daddy into responsibility by stopping the flow of money for baby essentials. But Grandma says it's not Baby's fault he was born.

Today I was forced with a similar, though smaller scale, dilemma. 

Baby's crying. Daddy I know is watching him and doing his best, but probably needs some help. Find out doing his best means propping the bottle up on pillows while he's playing video games. Honey, that just doesn't do. But he doesn't take well to advice so I don't even try. But should I take and feed Baby? Daddy will be relieved and go back to his video games, and Baby will get his needs met. But, though propping the bottle is far from ideal, Baby is okay right now. He's fussing which means he'll continue to get Daddy's attempts at taking care of him, which Daddy needs a lot of practice with. 

So what do you do? Daddy does try, even though he really has no idea what he's doing and has a minuscule sense of responsibility. It's not to the point of needing Child Protective Services yet, though it has most definitely crossed several peoples' minds. The kid needs more than he's getting.

A Family Man

Today I express my gratitude for my wonderful husband.
Today he is wonderful because he loves to support and be a part of my family.

While growing up, I loved spending time with my family. Though I knew we weren't perfect, I still thought we were pretty amazing. How many little girls these days gets to grow up with nieces and nephews, who make being the youngest truly the best because you still get younger kids in the family, but you don't have to deal with most of the bad things about younger siblings! What a life!

Now that I'm older, I still love my family. We don't get to spend as much time together now. Unfortunately,  the older siblings' families have gotten into other obligations and so we only spend a few hours together every few months, if we're lucky.

One thing that I learned about my family while young and still now, is that I want to always be an active part of it. I knew that to do that, I needed my husband to stand by me in that. Too long have I watched my brothers-in-law avoid spending time with my family, making it hard for my sisters to appreciate time with us. Out of my fours sisters, only one got a catch who makes an effort to fit in with the family.

So, when I was young I dreamt of and while dating I searched for a guy who wouldn't be scared of my parents, who could have conversations with my brothers, who could make my sisters laugh, who fit in as well as my in-laws, and who the kids would beg to play with. I could hardly expect him to be void of being critical of my family when I sometimes tend to do so myself, but I wanted at least for it not to keep him from loving them.

I got better and more! John loves my family, and is everything I could have asked for. He makes an effort to include them in our life and looks forward to spending time with them. He supports them and cares for them. He helps me when I am impatient with them. He's excited to do things for and with them.

I love my husband, and I am grateful to have a family man.

Silly Blogger, Why Don't You Listen to Me?

So, if anyone happens to actually be looking at my blog, I must apologize. It's a mess, and rather unreadable. I don't get why everyone else has captured how to make their blogs look cool, yet with all my playing around I just can't get it how I want :( You'd think with all the computer geeks in my life I'd have caught on magically like everyone else. In many ways I believe I have, but Blogger Design has gone past my reach, sadly. Hopefully sometime soon it can be pretty...


Also, I have decided to create a new form of blogging. New to me, anyway.
I shall post short blogs!
That way, I can say whatever I want whenever I want and I don't have to be sad that I never write because I don't have the time/motivation to :) I always have tidbits of nonsense floating through my brain, so why not post it?
That's what this is for, anyhow. Hence, the name :)